


Starblossoms

by InanimateEyes



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Training, Time Travel, but kinda not really, hints at skysolo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25546537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InanimateEyes/pseuds/InanimateEyes
Summary: The last structures of the Empire collapse and the fighting slows to a stop. Leia finds herself haunted by the memory of what she has lost. Her planet, her home, her family. Unable to make sense of the past and settle into a new pace in life with Han, the Daughter sends Leia back to the age of the Clone Wars in order to understand the series of events that culminated in the creation of Darth Vader.
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Starblossoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The legacy of Darth Vader lives on in Leia's subconscious, wrecking havoc on her mental stability. To make matters worse, Leia is traveling to Alderaan gravesite for the first annual commemoration of the lost planet. Wrought with emotional strife, Leia is isolated with her grief in the Captain's quarters. A perfect storm waiting to ravage her surroundings.

_Leia stood firmly in front of her viewscreen, gazing at the black expanse of space that was littered with tiny pinpricks of light. Staring off into the void made her feel hollow. A vessel for some all-knowing beings' plans, it gave Leia a pause to contemplate her place in the galaxy, her role in a universe constantly teetering on the brink of destruction or restoration. How important were her efforts in this war? Would she lose her life to this cause and be forgotten? The twinkling lights entranced her, promising to reveal the secrets she desired if she did not turn away. Leia desperately wanted to press her ear against the glass - a child seeking the truth from behind a sealed door- but she knew they would not entertain her whims. They never had before._

_Something was amiss and the responsibility fell to her._

_Leia huffed, the soft exhale from her nose tickling her upper lip, and she began scanning methodically across the horizon trying to place her uneasiness so she could call out orders or create a plan, to take any course of action! The lack of control overwhelmed her, even the slightest miscalculation could demand the highest payment. Beyond the value of her own life, it was the future of the galaxy falling to the empire’s hands. Millions of lives snuffed out due to the error of one. Her eyes finally drifted to the right corner and found nothing so far, yet the compulsion did not fade. She shook her head and set back at the beginning of her pattern. Leia’s eyes moved from the most left quadrant of her ship, gliding slowly from one mental landmark to another. She had barely reached her middle marker when she noticed it- a foreign black object cut through its surroundings, eclipsing the light from a star momentarily before recusing itself into the black backdrop of space._

**_A Tie Fighter._ **

_“Well gentlemen,” With her hands firmly clasped behind her, she turned to face the bridge. Her voice shattered the static silence in the room and for a second she was unsure of herself. This emotion quickly passed as the men -- her men -- ceased tending to their responsibilities to hear her words. “I’ve spotted a lone Tie on our horizon, the nest can’t be far behind. Prepare for a dogfight. We must complete our mission for the Alliance at all costs.”_

_Leia turned back to the viewport, trying to confirm what she already knew and sure enough an Imperial Star Destroyer zipped out of hyperspace. Behind her a whirr of clicks, buzzes, and hums came to life as the bridge prepared for the inevitable engagement of the empire’s forces. The familiar hum of action seemed to kickstart some sort of autopilot function within her and she turned to the corridor. At first her pace was complacent, then brisk, she finally graduated to a sprint when she cleared the bridge. With her white senatorial dress bunched up in her hands she tore down the corridor, the crew easily parting their ranks to allow her to slip past._

_Kriff, if only she could always act like this._

_Annoyance flitted in and out of her stream of consciousness as she sprinted down the hallway and passed identical white hallways without sensing whatever she was after. Her surroundings were unimportant and she chased the force that guided her forward, towards whatever she was meant to find. What she was meant to fight. Doors were flying open and closed as she ran through the corridor, each once seeming to egg her on. A resounding ‘keep going’ in the way they allowed her to pass through without impeding her pace. That was until she reached the docking port. The screech of new boots slipping on the polished tile resounded throughout the hall, a sharp contrast to the heavy aura that loomed around the door frame. It was dark and foreboding, an almost tangible cloud engulfed the door, blurring the hard lines of the ship._

_Leia almost couldn’t stand the familiar feeling. It seeped into her heart and mind, cutting off the supply of oxygen to those critical organs. Worse it was clouding her thoughts. The pulse of her heart echoed in her mind. The blindness ignited her emotions; absent was the fear of the unknown or cold calculations of politics rather rage flared within her. Consuming the fumes of the dark side as a spark would consume a flammable gas. It left her aflame._

_A soft hiss, was the only warning of the intruder that was boarding her ship. She felt the tension of his presence before she saw him, the murderous red of his lightsaber flooding the corridor. The slim handle of her ‘saber slid into her hand from some unknown depth in her sleeve and she ignited it, the blue light was entirely eclipsed by the red. Only with her weapon at the ready did she raise her eyes from the floor to greet the looming shape of Darth Vader. The mechanical breathing sent a chill down her spine, for a moment neither of them moved. Vader started toward her, a gloved hand outstretched for his daughter. His legacy._

_An angry cry of pain pierced the silence of the hallway, Leia swung up trying to gain enough leverage and momentum to deliver a mortal wound. But the blade of her ‘saber clashed with Vader’s, the full force of his height and strength pushed down upon her. Inch by inch the blades of both 'saber's came closer to her face. This wasn’t unlike the rest of her life, she could not win the fight with brute force. Breaking away from the connection she swung her leg out viciously for his torso, desperate for any connection to wound her opponent. She mentally cursed herself for the lack of calculation as her leg connected with the metal armor on Vader’s leg. A new pain bloomed in her leg, but she grew smug as Vader stumbled back. His balance was thrown off by the blow. She turned and wielded her lightsaber, searching the unmoving mask for any signs of a human behind the suit._

_There was no time for systematic evaluation, it was a judgment call and the will of the stars had stopped guiding her actions. Another feral scream pierced the hallway and Leia felt as if her lungs were being ripped apart as she swung her lightsaber at the Sith Lord’s helmet. At once her body lost feeling, falling to her knees as Vader’s corporal form disappeared and his armor collapsed lazily like smoke. The glare of a red lightsaber didn’t cease, it continued to stain the white walls with it’s vileness. Leia cast out her own arm, trying to illuminate the floor with her ‘saber so she find that blasted weapon. She glanced down, all false pretenses of ease disappeared as she found it was her own lightsaber that was casting a red light._

* * *

A struggle for air tore Leia away from night terror, her body heaved as she desperately tried to satiate the needs of her lungs but air evaded her. Her attempts weren't enough, almost immediately retching replaced her sputtered gasps. Her body protested the mistreatment, an acidic burn moved up her throat. Shaky hands shot about in the darkness, desperately trying to find a container of any sort just in case she could not gain control of her body. A wave of relief washed over her as she found one, however it was short-lived. The stench of bile quickly filled the quarters, it stung her eyes but some part of her was grateful. It made it easier to dismiss how wet they had already been with tears. 

A red lightsaber. _Her_ lightsaber had been that unrelenting color.

Leia’s stomach curled in discomfort and threatened to be upset once more at the thought. No matter what, she couldn’t tell Luke. Although she had only recently begun training in the ways of the force with Luke, Leia was certain her brother would deem that this was no simple dream but a force vision. A vision undoubtedly would warrant much thought and meditation in order to reveal the secret meaning. And she couldn’t confront the truth yet. The thought of cosmic warning placed in her mind by the force terrified her; perhaps, she was unknowingly headed to the dark side. A life spent in service to free the galaxy of the Empire and how quickly it could be thrown away. 

Ice once more seeped down her spine as a memory connected itself to the present. Hadn’t Luke tried to make a similar argument in defense of Darth Vader not so long ago? Fear boiled to anger as the day resurfaced in her memory.

* * *

_“Leia,” Luke had pleaded with her, desperately following her around the her Chandrila residence that she allowed her brother and Han to stay in. “He was a Jedi-”_

_Leia couldn’t help but roll her eyes and storm out of the room. “I don’t care, Luke. It doesn’t matter what he was, it’s outweighed by what he became.” If it hadn’t been for her unsteady hands, the cavalier attitude might have been believable. Readjusting her facade, both hands went clasped behind her and her shoulders pushed back. Leia strode across the home looking for any distraction she could focus on if Luke managed to corner her. The home failed her. It’s surfaces were bare and the crisp white was so sterile and so impersonal. It was her own fault, she hadn’t gotten around to adding personal effects. It mirrored her old residence on Coruscant, a location for work with no room for comfort or distractions. The residence was never to be confused with home._

_She settled at her desk and began managing the datapads that required her attention at some point. Uncaring but more likely unaware, Luke sat at the edge of her desk evidently not finding the new seats to his liking. The warm tones of Luke’s clothes were out of place in her world, the sterile senatorial world she had grown accustomed to when off-world of Alderaan. She pursed her lips and gazed back down at the datapad, hoping to seem distressed at some early morning memo. They sat in silence with little interruption to save a shift in position; Leia pretending she didn’t notice the stark differences between them and Luke acting as if he didn’t have a great disdain for his sister’s lifestyle._

_When it became evident that Leia was not going to concede and permit the conversation Luke slowly slid to his feet. The deliberate motion disturbing the clear organization on the tabletop. Her hands flew to fix the mess but the sunken shoulders revealing a deeper hurt caught her attention and she watched Luke. Silently hoping he wouldn’t upset anything else in his wake as he moved towards the door. When slid open and he hesitated before crossing over. “Our father was a Jedi, he started his life with devotion to the light. I intend to uncover his legacy, it would do you some good to learn who you are._

_Above her head a clear bauble depicting the grace of Appenza peak shattered from the magnitude of her rage. Alderaan once again snuffed out by Darth Vader._

* * *

Luke’s words never truly failed to fade from her subconsciousness, their power over her flickering then burning to life every time she was burdened by her own lack of control. Perhaps Luke believed he could make Leia see that Darth Vader had died as Anakin Skywalker. Perhaps, to inform her that he saw darkness within her. Regardless of the intent, it haunted Leia in her weakest moments. Her ignorance about Anakin Skywalker and their shared traits or differences, neither reassured nor plagued her thoughts. She intended to keep it that way.

Leia swung her legs off the cot, forcing her limbs to steady so that they could carry her to the refresher. She didn’t want to recall this day, she didn't want to recall how later she had hurt Luke. A sneer defensively ghosted her lips when he asked again for her company on the journey, the boyish smile had dropped off of Luke’s face for days. 

The cold of the tile shocked her bare feet. Leia just wanted to get back in the cot, pull the blankets over her head and fall asleep, but the fear of another nightmare kept her going. Leia tried to focus on the soft _tap, tap, tap_ her bare feet made against the tile, trying to make it softer so none of the others aboard the Falcon would try to coax her out of the room. The door of the refresher slid open and the overhead lights flickered on, its yellowing fluorescents managing to make the old ship look ancient; revealing that the ship was a relic of a world long gone.

Her eyes settled on her own reflection and proceeded to tear apart the face that stared back at her. The soft discoloration had bloomed and grown into deep purple marks beneath her eyes, her hair hung lank and lifeless about her face no longer confined in a tight Alderaanian fashion, and soft frown lines were beginning to set near her lips. Hard brown eyes stared back at her, she couldn't help but wonder when they had lost that soft, wide-eyed curiosity that her mother and father seemed to love. The rim of Leia's eyes stung as she confronted herself, she quickly closed them and refused to watch her reflection cry. In this lighting Leia couldn't fool herself, she too belonged to the past.

A soft rap of knuckles on the door frame caused her eyes to snap open, her fingers flew up to wipe the tears away from her eyes. Behind her Han leaned against the door frame, Leia saw how his eyebrows drew together, unable to mask his concern as she composed and collected herself. The emotional strife was folded neatly and tucked away into a compartment within her mind to be dealt with at a later time, when she could guarantee there would be no intruders.

"Leia..." Han hesitated, heat rose to her cheeks as she realized he was going to try to comfort her. Leia shot a glare through the mirror, warning him not to touch on the subject. Han nodded and cleared his throat, "I sent Chewie to get some rest and Luke’s been meditating for hours."

Relief washed over and she recognized his words for what they were, the promise for some time where they could just exist beside one another. A luxury that was seldom available aboard the full ship. Jumping from system to system without a constant sun and mood messed with all of their biological rhythms and it wasn’t uncommon to see Luke reading at all hours. Sometimes just existing in the constant chatter was enough to regulate her moods, but more often than not it was aggravating to have to carve out her own place amid the chaos. A tentative smile tugged at the corners of her mouth and she saw how the relief relaxed Han’s features. Apparently, she hadn’t made quite the fuss he was expecting.

"Does that mean I get to be co-pilot while the Wookie is unconscious?" Leia's eyebrow quirked up. Everyone had expected that the new relationship would bring peace, that the air would calm between them. But how could she be expected to drop the sharp quips when Han was such a worthy adversary. Leia's eyes met Han's through the reflection in the mirror and she could see that her bait had enticed him to bite back with his own snark. Her eyelids fluttered shut, anticipating the butterflies and thrill she would feel as they bickered with one another to pass the time. 

Instead Han's arms settled around her waist, his chin resting atop her head. "I don't know, who are your references?" She opened her eyes to see how smug, as always. 

"A lifetime running missions for the Rebel Alliance? Surely that's harder than smuggling spice from point A to point B."

That struck a nerve, she could see it clearly as the corner of his lip twitched down and he huffed softly. "Hey! It wasn't just smuggling, I made the kessel run in-"

"12 parsecs, I know. I know." She refused to smile, but she caught his eyes and knew that he could see her elation. Bickering was her love language, his sharp mind and harsh mouth made Han more endearing to her every day. Instead of a backhanded compliment, silence met her dismissal. Leia's eye's fluttered shut once more nervous of the silence. 

"Alight, you've convinced me. You're hired," Han mumbled, the point of his chin rubbed painfully on the top of her skull when he spoke and Leia opened her eyes confused by the sudden departure from the normal dance. Soft waves of contentment as she got her way once more ran through her. "but you're only co-pilot for as long as the kids are asleep." 

It was instantaneous and she couldn’t reason why the words set her off. But they pierced the thick skin she prized, the pinprick of a beautiful flower bringing her back down from a delusional high. 

Bail and Breha Organa had tried valiantly in Leia's childhood to help her become the master of her emotions. Leia's parents had enlisted the help of a swordsman to channel her aggression, but after a few short years it had become evident that the technicality of maneuvers and footwork did little to assuage her temperament. Leia had little to show but a new hobby that quickly mutated into an outlet for her frustration at her station as the esteemed Alderaanian Princess. 

Without effort Leia could recall the looks of utter perplexity and hushed tones her parents tended to adopt when they spoke of a solution to Leia’s emotions. As if she were a puzzle to piece together or public policy that needed to be drafted. In the end, the solution had been to begin Leia’s political career early, drilling the importance of diplomacy and advocating for the weakest of their galaxy. Fusing her personal identity to the ideals of the Rebel Alliance. It was effective, Leia was refined and a threat in the political arena, her emotions became a passion for creating positive change. The only side effect was her lack of impulse control behind closed doors.

Leia's lip curled involuntarily at Han’s remark and she pushed off Han's embrace. The words sunk deep within her and struck a sore nerve that had been growing more and more sensitive with time. "Get away from me." 

Shock was the only emotion she could read on Han's face and he stood there for a moment trying to decipher how real Leia's sudden rage was. He began to apologize, lips beginning to form an apology over something he didn’t quite understand, but he quickly changed his mind. Arms raised in surrender, Han walked back through the door of the refresher and left without another word. 

Leia’s respite was broken and she sunk deep back into the despair in her mind, a bitterness seeping into every thought. Her desire to step outside the confines of the room she shared with Han dissipated. She didn’t know how to apologize for this. How could she explain the complete emptiness she felt? Surely it couldn’t be so hard to explain, but the motivation died instantly. The emotional weight of having to explain the cause for her ill-temper forced her back into the comforts of the cot. 

Leia played her words back in her head, again and again until the words lost meaning and all that was left was an unpleasant truth. Leia Organa was spiraling out of control. Paralyzed between the confrontation of Darth Vader in her dreams and Han in reality, she drew the thin blanket over her head. The resounding feeling of failure washing over her in waves. 

How had she fallen so far from her parents image?


End file.
